When you have a lot to do and nothing gets done

Random thoughts from my inner world

I have been feeling something more than an overwhelming feeling lately. It’s not simply an exhaustion which will be fixed with another weekend getaway. It’s not just a call to slow down. Even if I slow down, I mostly don’t feel peace in my heart. It’s feels like another screaming request by my soul to stop solving anything, when I have a lot to do.

It feels like I need to do something to close my past and I am not sure what that something is. I have some clues, and I don’t have energy to pursue those clues.

Photo by Mike Ko on Unsplash

It feels like I am not totally happy with my present. Even in my present, there is a lot on my plate. Just surviving a day in my present feels like too much in itself. My free time is mostly going in understanding, acknowledging and processing my feelings.

Then there is a future I desire, which seems far and far away. As I am not taking any steps towards the future I wanna create for myself, the hope for all of it to come to life is diminishing too.

How important is to mentally seek a closure from your past? A part of me just wanna run away and do nothing about it. There are feelings of failure and shame follows by with that thought, which are obviously not great feelings to have either. A part of me wanna take my story to somewhere or to someone where it is acknowledged and get the justice it deserves.

Can anyone do the justice when bad things happen to people? When I say justice, what tangible thing I wanna achieve? Can God take revenge for all the wounds on my heart? Does God even exists?

My brother’s way of living is you should do anything and everything in your capacity to harm the people who did something wrong to you or treated you in a way nobody deserves to be treated. Don’t wait for God to do anything for you. At least you will sleep peacefully that you did whatever you could.

I have always told him; I can’t be like you. Karma is a real thing. Like he is kind of a villain, and I am a saint. May be, villain was once a saint.

But how much is it Karma’s/God’s/Universe’s responsibility and how much is yours in your life? Do these mighty powers understand that you don’t have the energy and you need help? If you are reading this, can you please send someone for help as I am drowning?

When you feel like you have so much to do, closure of your past, doing something about your present and work towards your future and you end up doing nothing. You are mostly in your survival state, and you can’t see any door coming out of it. The only progress is you know you can identify that you are in survival mode.

On the days when your dreams feel like a burden, where do you go? On the days when you feel less alive, where do you go? On the days when you mostly get everything done, still can’t make that call you wanted to make from weeks? On the days where rest seems feasible but impossible to achieve? On the days where you don’t remember when did the last time you noticed a flower? On the days where you don’t have the energy to do the things which energizes you? How do you break this spiral and come out of the survival mode?

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This week’s recommendations:

• How To Sit With An Emotion by

  Amber Groomes,Ph.D. (she/her)
  . A great one with some practical steps to understand when you don’t understand what’s happening in your brain.

• Unfrozen: What Melts in the Mountains, and in Us by

  Ajay Kelkar
  . Here Ajay will take you on an outer journey which will beautifully initiate a journey inward.

• Fav Five 🖐️ | How I've broken Substack growth rules and have no regrets by

  Mika
  . Mika’s Substack journey will validate you and remind you to create your own rules for your Substack journey.