What's in your luggage? Sweets, Memories and My Big Feelings

It always takes me good amount of time to settle in whenever I come back from my parent’s house. The first few days are the hardest, my body is trying to settle in, but my brain is trying to convince, let’s go back. I am sensitive and judgmental towards everything around me for the first few weeks. My higher self knows that it usually gets better with time.

In my 20’s, I hated all these feelings and thought there was something not right in the place I have arrived because of these feelings. I still remember, the feelings when I started my first job in a different city. I was full of sadness leaving my house and my family. When I reached my new apartment, I was mostly crying and one of my roommates was applying a face mask to prepare for the first day at job and the other was talking to his then boyfriend.

Photo by Valérie Ungerer on Unsplash

Even on the first day of my first job, I was mostly sad and most girls around me was trying hard to make the first impressions on our seniors. I was just hoping that I will be able to meet my brother and parents at the lunch break before they leave for my hometown.

In the first few weeks, this is how my brain sounds like. Let’s quit everything and go back. What’s wrong to be settling in with that is familiar and easy? Why do I have to choose and do hard things in life? What are you to trying to prove here and to whom? How much do you have to prove, you have already been through a lot? When will you truly rest?

Nothing much has changed in terms of my feelings in more than a decade now. It’s just now I know the pattern of my feelings and the way forward is giving all those feelings time and space to exists. Then may be the feelings and the following thoughts will change.

This time, I was talking to one of my friends here about all my feelings when I come back. She said she felt the same when she came back, and we laughed about our thoughts of quitting the job. Then she added maybe it will all be easier when we will have a partner. She quoted example of one of her cousins, who has a boyfriend, and they went on a trip as soon as they came back.

I personally think, it’s not the partner. I had struggling settling in even when I had one. Even more because of the toxicity he added with the comments that why did you come back? You should have stayed more? Now, what are you crying about? May be, the right partner will offer the right help.

The number one thing which help me to settle now are the people. The people who I hug and bring the sweets for. The people who ask me when I will be in town so that we can catch up. The first few calls which I receive after I land. The people who check on me and remind me they are happy to have me back. The people who are keen to catch up at my favorite matcha place. The people who are keen to know how my trip actually was.

The other things which help me settle are returning slowly to the things I like to do in my free time. For me, it’s the yoga, writing, reading and even the small act of lighting my favorite candle when it’s dark. Visiting the neighborhood cats and my favorite giant tree in the park nearby. Avocadoes and watermelon offered some help too.

I hope you all are doing well.

Lots of love and healing,

Harneek!!

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This week’s recommendations:

• Life is not meant to be perfect, It is meant to be lived by

  Coffee Times
  . Gentle reminders on moving forward with determination and intention

• You vs You by

  Viam
  . Validation of all your so-called negative feelings and the reminder of your role in your journey

• The Pressure Cooker of Missing by

  Shreya
  . The push and pull of familiarity and unfamiliarity