I feel lost, again!
A mind full of questions and fears
From last few weeks, back-to-back some unusual things have been happening in my life. Some were quite new and some I have experienced before with different intensity. It actually started with somebody smashing the rear window of my car two weeks back and leaving the back door open on a rainy night. I woke up the next day with three missed calls and two text messages from police. It was still raining when I woke up. I quickly wore my hoodie, dialed them back and ran to my car. Here I saw my car with broken window and the back of the car filled with water.
My instant reactions were tears and anger. While crying, I gave the man from police on call all the details he needed to file a report. I told him that being a woman when things like this happen, it makes me feel more unsafe in the country and what are you guys doing about the increasing incidents like this. He said, I understand (in my mind I was screaming no you don’t), I am not in a position to answer that, but I can put you in a victim support group if you want. I said, no I will be fine, thank you. The call ended. In all the chaos and distress, I called my insurance company and lodge a claim. They told me it will take few weeks to get things fixed. My car got fixed this week.
This is a common thing in the country I live, people trying to steal the car starts with breaking the window. Even said that it doesn’t change the fact that how these things make you feel at the moment when it all happens. I think, for different people it brings different emotions based on their emotional history and past experiences. For me, it brings the feeling of not being safe, feeling of being alone in a foreign land, deep down, fear of unknowns and uncertainties and the other questions of life I am trying to solve here.
I was recovering slowly from this incident and telling myself I don’t have to solve all my life’s questions in a night or in a week. One of my ways of recovering is telling everyone I meet at work, supermarkets, cafes and my friends sitting in a different country about the incident. While I was on my way to come out of this, some more hard things happened and one of them is still on. Now at the moment, I am just full of fears and struggling hard to think positive about life. Last night when I tried to close my eyes to see what I want to do with my life. I was blank. I couldn’t see anything. All my plans, dreams, my writing and my job, nothing makes sense. It just felt like I am lost, again.
Just for context, my life has hit a reset button two years back. In all those times, I couldn’t see anything in future physically but there were few things I could see when I close my eyes and followed that voice inside me to keep me going. But recently, it felt like I am disconnected with that voice, I could only see black room when I close my eyes. All of those feelings which came on the surface when that car incident happened has more to do with my past, than my present. My present is not that bad, I have few people in the country I can call friends or who will come to me if I tell them I am not well.
In this country, I have a history of heartbreak and betrayals (in friendship). So, anything hard happens, which might not be that hard for some people, it just touches my healing wounds of heartbreak and betrayals. Some of the people I considered my very good friend, they stopped talking to me when I needed them the most. Later on, they messaged me saying that they did it because they thought that will be good for me as it will help me to move on with my new life. The new life which felt like a punishment for a sin in the beginning.
My healing journey has been mix and match of spending here and in my own country with my family. When I came back here in the beginning of this year, I thought I will give this country a fresh chance and see if I can find my people, my tribe. I connected with few people through my work, I call them my friends and I am not sure all of them consider me their friend. Sometimes I feel I seek more than what people offer here on the names of friendship. One of my friends catch up with me once in a month for a dinner or lunch and we talk about everything happening in our lives. Between those catch ups, there is no message exchanged. Is this good friendship? One of my friends here calls me every now and then, mostly it is about her struggle stories. In half an hour of our call, she is the one speaking for twenty-five minutes and I am for rest of five minutes. Sometimes, when I hear people talking about their struggles, my struggles feel nothing to me. Maybe it’s just an empath in me. My struggles are different than others. I am trying to heal from my past, trying to build a life in this country so that I can feel emotionally supported, safe and have a sense of belongingness, purpose and community. The reality is you can’t buy these things even though you have some money sitting in your bank account. Things are getting better but they are not where I expect them to be.
Should I go back to my country? Should I move to a different country? The fact is things are easy and safe here as compared to my home country. But it just feels harder because of my emotional history here and the fact that I don’t have any family here. May be, I should start with changing city or suburbs. May be, the friendships I am seeking happens when you live with someone, and I have finally started enjoying living with myself. Should I move in with people? Whom should I move in with? What qualities to look for when you decide to share a house with someone? Should I take a break from my work, again? I don’t know. Life at the moment feels like I have too many options and I am too sacred to opt for any. My mind is just full of questions and fears.
In midst of my journey of finding genuine friendships, love, a job full of purpose, choose a house/country I have a wonderful pattern of struggling to ask for help. The cause of this pattern could be being an elder daughter, recovering perfectionist and being with men who always wanted me to be stronger and independent. When I am going through things in life, I disconnect from the world and try to solve the problems by myself. When I finally solve the problem, I come out with a problem statement, a potential solution and some lessons to be shared with the world.
Life at the moment feels hard and overwhelming. It just feels like why I do have so many puzzles to solve and answers to find. I hope you all are doing well. Thanks for being here.
Lots of love and healing,
Harneek!!
This week’s recommendations:
One thing they don't tell you about working for yourself. by
. Talks about taking baby steps to build your intentional life. I love the top list too.A Few Things by
. Patrick’s newsletters are generally full of mind-blowing wisdom, this one is one of my favorites.- . This one made the recovering perfectionist in me feel so heard and seen. Thank you for these beautiful remainders on letting ourselves to get awkward or not so good in everything we do.
Thanks for sharing that post, Harneek, and sorry about these incidences that have caused you to feel unsafe.
It is normal to feel lost when such things happen. Don't be too hard on yourself, blaming yourself for not figuring out things as quickly as you want. This, too, is part of the process of navigating the maze, and these questions, to me, are evidence of someone who knows what she's doing, at least as can reasonably be expected given the circumstances.
I wish you well, and hope you find clarity. Trust time, its passage tends to illuminate things. You'll be fine - eventually.
Harneek, your journey shows incredible strength and resilience. Despite challenges, you're growing and learning. Remember, asking for help and taking time to heal is okay. Your openness and self-reflection are admirable. Keep moving forward, better days are ahead. You've got this :-).