Emotional Dependency
And it's side effects
On the journey of knowing myself and my needs better, there is a question in my mind I have been thinking about for some time now. The question is how much we should be emotionally dependent on others and how much on ourselves. In general, people say your happiness and other good feelings should not be dependent on others. But I have seen myself as the happiest when I am with my family and my close friends.
May be, it’s a side effect of living of my own for some time. May be, it’s a side effect of my healing heart. May be, I have always been like this, but never observed those things about me. May be, I am actually a people’s person (that’s what number four in my human design profile says about me). Few days back, somebody told me they have always enjoyed living with people and they like their house filled with people because as a child they have grown up in the joint family. Most of my childhood, I have lived in a joint family too. The memories of my childhood have been mostly good, but I do remember some struggles. Recently, somebody I know, moved in with someone as they don’t like living on their own. But the other person mostly stays outside, and now this person is struggling. The thing with emotional dependency is it can hurt you if you don’t choose the right people. Even with the right people, as we all are so complex and has something going on inside us, we can mess it up.
As an elder child, I have always felt my state of being decides my family’s state of being. On some days, it has felt like a lot on my shoulders. I have cried and argued with my parents about it, but it still remains the same. When you know things doesn’t change and you have to accept them as it is, you start finding out ways to manage them. May be, it’s hard when you love someone or seeing your child going through things and not getting affected by it. But I also feel, if I am scared and I tell my mum about it, she gets more scared. That increases my fear sometimes. When it comes to my dad, he just denies my fear saying there is nothing in it to be scared of. That hurts me too as it feels like denial of my feelings. I think, what I need in moments like that is somebody acknowledging/validating my fears and then may be telling me some words that can give me the courage and makes me feel supported. (PS: I love my parents)
It’s just when you live with someone, love someone and in friendships, it’s really hard to not have any emotional dependencies. I am not at all saying, that your happiness is somebody’s responsibility. Your happiness is your core responsibility. I am talking about the needs of how somebody can support you when you are feeling low, sad or sick, somebody reminding you, you are amazing when you forget, somebody giving you their time and attention when you feel this world is too harsh and somebody trying to understand what brings you feeling of safety or somebody just being there for you. It’s good to communicate your needs if you can, before this emotional dependency kicks in. Even if the other person thinks it’s too much or too less. Even if you have fears of someone not choosing you in any way. The right people will make an effort to understand you and your needs. But it starts from you. You should make an effort to understand your emotional needs before expecting the world to understand it. Also, don’t let your emotional needs to choose wrong people in any way. Don’t let your fear of loneliness choose people who doesn’t have the capacity to understand and fulfill your emotional needs. May be with the right people, emotional dependency is not that bad. Your people will love to fulfill your needs and might apologize when they mess up. Your people will choose you, even if you sound like too much for the world or even yourself. I hope you are doing well. Thanks for being here.
Lots of love and healing,
Harneek!!
This week’s recommendations:
- . This is a beautiful one on how simple act of being in nature and looking at birds can do to your mental health.
Grief is a Longing to Return Home by
. I recently discovered Trivarna’s work and her words are so soothing to my soul. This one particularly on grief.the most beautiful thing in the world by
on love, solitude and beautiful things.
Generally speaking, it's never a good idea to become dependent. The one you depend on can withdraw the thing you need, and this could cause your life to spiral out of control.
However, as you so rightly point out, sometimes it becomes hard or impossible to avoid it. Relations and connections may just gravitate towards this eventuality.
Here, you better hope those you've grown to depend on also value the relationship as much as you do. Otherwise, they may feel burdened, decelerating things or discontinuing them altogether.
These things tend to be a question of degree, and I think those involved can always detect when things appear to be going too far and alter course, if necessary.
Thanks for sharing this Harneek, emotional dependency is an always tricky, it’s something that we will be navigating for as long as we live. There will be times when we will become emotionally dependent consciously or subconsciously or people will become dependent on us consciously or subconsciously. I think it’s always good to review and reflect from time to time to take an inventory of our feelings.