Who I am?
Poem on acknowledging the different versions of me and the confusion it brings
I don’t know who I am here,
I don’t know who I am there.
The change in the water, air and land confuses me,
It feels like my life is divided into before and after, here and there.
It feels like I am torn between versions of me,
I was a different version when I was here before,
Some moments here make me believe like I am still the young naive innocent me,
Some moments here make me feel sad when people come looking for the old me and she is not there anymore,
Some moments I am quiet, as I just betrayed the current version of me by being the older version of me on this land.
How many more lands are waiting for me to land?
Why do I understand pain and grieve now?
My pain has shaped me into something that on the surface I might feel like the old me,
But after five minutes of the conversation, you will see the newness in me.
The newness in me sometimes scares me too,
Where is it coming from and how much more is left to be acknowledged?
Why can’t I be like the old version of me who was mostly nice and naive?
Will someone understand that I have to let go some of my beautiful parts?
Just to acknowledge and welcome the ugly dark parts of me that would have died without my love.
I don’t like some stuff I own from my before life,
My choices of my after life are still not confirmed, I am still understanding my needs,
I manifested complex and hard life before, now I am determined to create life full of safety and ease for myself,
I struggle to explain myself to my loved ones, not because they are not willing to listen,
But because my guards are high, and I act from the belief that nobody in the world understands me.
May be, it will take some time and grace to come to terms to myself on different lands,
I know, I will be there, and my journey will bring more love than fears,
Wherever I go!!
This week’s recommendations:
Vignettes of the most wonderful time of the year by
. On acknowledging everything the holiday season brings for youYou have to become your favourite person. by
. On always admiring yourself a little more than the world- . This one gave me cozy, wintery and warm December vibes.
Nobody is one thing, and situations do bring out different things in us. One is what he or she understands themselves to be at any given time, and this understanding is itself changing every day. This is the dilemma of all people. The past we have lived; new we'll become. It's hard to tell what we'll like, or even if we'll understand the transitions well enough to like anything.
Harneek, your words really resonated with me today. Yesterday, I was on a call with my friend and I read one of your essays to her, telling her how deeply I connected with it. She felt the same way too. Thank you for writing it. Also thank you so much for recommending me. Keep writing, sending you love and light 🌻