Surviving the In-Betweens

Some random reflections about my life

I have seen myself broken into pieces and still promising that I will do this with grace. The truth is at that time, I didn’t know what grace looks like. I learnt it on the way.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

I have seen some of the darkest moments of my life passed away. I have seen the days where I had thoughts of ending my life because what I was feeling felt so hard. I have seen myself living and surviving months on pills. I have seen myself completely drowned in my shame and struggled to breath. I have seen myself using all my leftover energy to disown my story for some relief.

I have seen myself scared of a man who came to just tell me that he liked my poem. I tried my best to ignore him for the rest of the days we were in the same building.

I have seen my anxiety shooting up and my fears ruling over on seeing names of few people on screen. I have seen myself not enjoying when the world talking bad about those people, thinking that would help me in any way.

I have heard words about the bright future of mine when what I actually needed was just space to feel whatever I was feeling. When somebody’s present is not making any sense, don’t try to sell them the dreams of future.

I am looking for an alive and joyful woman, he said. I don’t know why but I concluded immediately that I am not the one he was looking for. Are you alive enough to hold my darkness with respect, integrity and care?

The only place in the world where I sleep like a child is my parent’s house. Will I ever be able to create a home of safety, comfort and love for myself?

I only believe in tough love, he used to say. My therapist said she never ever heard a man offering tough love to a woman and she believed, it is something to be offered to kids or pets. I remembered his tough love offerings to his parent’s dog. I love dogs, cats and my soft toys as I love kids. Still for a while, I tried to be the receiver of tough love. It acted as one of the best slow poisons for me.

I have seen people abandoning me overnight like I was dead. Whatever happens, happens for good. Yes, it was for good, but I still hate the way it happened. There must be a better way of abandoning someone who left everything she knew for you. I would write about it some other day.

I have seen myself talking about my past as soon as someone says hello. My real intention was to scare them off and die alone. I have seen myself overwhelmed when someone asked me out for coffee. I have seen myself anxious and nervous in the parties I have been invited to. How is it possible for someone to invite me? They must be planning to abandon me later.

I felt I am betraying something when I went out for lunch with a man after two years. I had to convince myself a lot, Harneek, it’s just a lunch, you can do it, and I did it.

I saw him drinking and enjoying with the woman I always struggled to trust. The woman whose name used to be a start of an argument and always ended with some kind of blame on me. That day I learnt two things. One, sleeping with someone else is not the only way to cheat and other, I am on the right journey of learning to trust my intuition.

Once I knew a man, who went to his mum to confirm what I was feeling was right or wrong. They both confirmed that I was wrong in feeling that way, as his mother had a list of things she had done for me.

While deep cleaning my apartment, I found an old diary in which I used to write my daily affirmations in the past. I wrote, I am safe, and I am loved, although I felt quite the opposite in that era. Little did I know at that time, affirmations don’t change what I am feeling deep inside, but I tried.

I have felt lonely with myself and have felt lonely with a bunch of people. I will anytime prefer the loneliness with myself. At least, I am an honest person.

I crave for myself after being around with people for some time. I think, I am learning to understand and honor my needs.

I am the most observant person I know. The reason for that is not that I like observing things or people. Trust me it is very tiring to be like this. The real reason is, I constantly look out for safety. I crave for safety more than I crave for love.

I cry when I see my grand mum walking with a stick. She is the bravest woman I know. I cry on the fact that whenever I video call my parents, they look a bit older. I avoid watching news or content that can make me feel sad or helpless. Sometimes my emotions are too heavy for me to carry, and I struggle to ask for help.

At the end, he said that I don’t think we are compatible. All my attempt of years of trying to become a woman I thought he would love, gone to waste. I had to re-visit my roots to remind me who I was.

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This week’s recommendations:

• Why Friendship Should Never Include Benefits by

  Cici Sullivan
  . Cici’s storytelling and writing is so amazing, powerful and engaging. It takes me to a different world and also validate parts of me on the way.

• Conflicting Realities by

  Nida Elley
  . This one by Nida will give you hope and ask you to surrender in the midst of conflicting feelings we all have been feeling lately

• Truth, Lies, and Myopia by

  Patrick Muindi
  . This one by Patrick will force you to check the alignment of your actions with the goals you have in mind.