Some Invisible Battles
Learning to speak about my needs and feelings with grace
In my childhood, I have never seen my mother or any other motherly figure around me talking about their needs and discussing healthy ways of fulfilling them. I have always seen women ignoring their needs and feelings, acting like that nothing has happened when somebody hurts them and continue serving others no matter what their mental state is. I learnt what I have seen and observed. Living life this way has felt like I am fighting a battle inside me all the time. The battle nobody is aware of. The battle which constantly keeps me in the state of exhaust. The battle where it might look like I am winning on the outside, but I am losing myself little by little.
I am exhausted by living a life like that where I cannot speak about my needs and feelings. The irony is that’s what I know. I wanna understand my needs, not judge myself for having those needs and take actions to fulfill them. Naturally, I don’t know how to do all of this. But I have realized I can’t do the life other way round. So, I am on my journey of learning to understand my needs.
When you come far away from yourself in name of serving the world and ignoring your needs, it takes a while to figure out the way back to yourself. On the way back to myself, I am learning to forgive myself for not being there when I needed myself the most. Also, a promise to know myself and my needs better. May be, I always knew my needs and never had the courage to speak about them. May be, when I found courage one day to speak but somebody’s reaction has made me feel bad about speaking up. May be, it’s just me stopping myself to bother anyone around.
Recently I was talking to my brother and told him something he did was bothering me. He was like, thank you for letting me know. You could have told me this earlier too. I immediately went into thinking, why didn’t I tell him before. May be, I always fear of upsetting people or loosing people when I speak about my feelings and needs. Him giving me this response helped me understand that the people who love you will understand you and make changes to make you feel better. Because for them, you matter and your feelings matter. Last week at work, I said to someone that they keep on dismissing my inputs and it makes me feel like my I am not valued in the team. After this, I straight up went into guilt that I hurt someone, and I shouldn’t have said that. People can receive when you talk about your feelings and needs in a different way. Some would thank you for being courageous and vulnerable. Some might stop talking to you completely. Irrespective of all, I still wanna learn how to speak about my needs and feelings with grace. I know, it’s not easy but I am learning. I am becoming aware of my patterns and taking small steps to break them. Thank you for being here.
Love and healing to you,
Harneek!
This week’s recommendations:
- .Beautiful words by Kirstie on how art can help you to make sense of your pain
- Can’t agree more with Patrick on how to deal when people don’t choose you
The one thing that keeps artists from selling by
. Elin’s words will feel like a hug to every artists
Dear Harneek, this is so gentle and honest. Your bravery here is compassionate, understanding and inspiring. Thank you.
I learnt the same