Shifts in your Internal World

On blurry days, losing your spark and finding it again

Last few days or weeks have gone very quickly for me than my usual days or weeks. It feels like I was constantly thinking about something from last weekend that was bothering me and here I am reaching end of another weekend with those feelings not completely resolved in me. It feels like when any kind of worry arrives, it gets scattered in your whole body, makes you feel stuck and stop you to move or change things around. Actually, if you stay in that state for long, you will forget your power to change things which are not aligned to you and your values. Now when I am looking back to last few days or weeks, it’s all blurry. I don’t remember what I did most of the days and didn’t notice anything around.

This is state of my internal world and people I have met or interacted will actually feel that they didn’t notice any difference. I am mostly normal and doing everything but kind of lost the spark inside me. When this happens, I can feel the shift inside and always curious to know the reasons about it. Your internal world will be always mystery to others until you understand it and try to explain it to the people. Even when you are explaining it to others, it could not make any sense to them. I see people as very fortunate if they have people in their lives who are deeply interested in knowing their internal world and can understand those things without the need to overexplain it.

Photo by Yaopey Yong on Unsplash

Now the question is what has been taking all the space in my mind which is causing me to feel these shifts. Just to mention, being a woman, I know sometimes my monthly cycle can cause those shifts too. I could feel like the worst person in the world and then after the monthly reset my feelings of being the most amazing and happiest person in the world returns. Usually before the reset, I have anxious nights, could lose my temper very easily, cry on anything and everything. Recently I cried on call with my mum saying that why don’t you send me a handwritten letter on my birthday. I believe whatever things makes me cry during those days are my deepest little desires and are so valid. I don’t like when people diminish or disregard what I said in those days.

Other than my pre-monthly reset feelings, there have been other things which are happening and making me feel low. When things happen or people say things which a part of me thinks is a bit off, I put so much energy in ignoring those things and give people chances. Thinking and wondering about all the ways whatever is between us don’t break or get worse. Thinking about not hurting or disappointing people, when I have to choose myself. Because breaking things hurt me. The quantity of the pain depends on how much I am invested. In most of the cases, I feel I am the one who is always more involved and invested. As an attempt to resolve what I am feeling, I go to my people to get validation or clarity to move forward. Knowing that feelings are neither right or wrong, they are what you are feeling in the moment and it’s all valid. It just feels like on the days I am struggling to choose myself, I am seeking my loved ones to choose me and whatever I am feeling. Sometimes, they can do it and sometimes can’t, based on their emotional capacity on that day. I can hate the person who didn’t give me what I was seeking but the reality is even if the person loves you, they still might can’t give you what you needed in that very moment, and it hurts. It feels like I wanted to resolve what was hurting me and I got more hurt to deal with. Now everything hurts and life feels hard.

Coming to the actual hurt, it feels like even though I have learnt to choose myself in big areas of my life, I still sometimes struggle to choose myself and trust my feelings and intuition in everyday life. To be honest, life is happening every day in the present. So that means, I have to practice and promise to choose myself every day in all ways possible. I have to see things, job or people as they are. Giving chances could also be my way of believing in the potential and not seeing things as it is. The potential could be them becoming my best friend, the potential could be my job giving me everything I seek, the potential could be this is it, no more changes to deal with in life. Sometimes these things are so deep in our mind, that we don’t even realize we are acting from that place. Writing this post as a promise to show up for myself and never disregard my feelings and intuition. To assure my heart that we will find people, jobs or places which are aligned to us. To trust myself that who I am, will take me to everywhere I am meant to be. I hope you all are doing well and thanks for being here.

Lots of love and healing,

Harneek!!

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This week’s recommendations:

• What Do We Do Now? by

  Connie Schultz
  . A beautiful post on love and how it feels to be in love. My favorite lines are “love makes us softer and braver at the same time”. Reading and manifesting a love like this.

• The Invisible Alien by

  Nida Elley
  . Nida’s words make me both seen and gave me chills at the same time here. A post on owing your story and making sense of yourself.

• In defence of birthdays. by

  Nadia Meli
  . If you are like me who loves celebrating her own birthdays, this post will give you validation for that feeling. I think, it has something to do with July and August people or Leos in general.