Quiet and Loud Afternoons

A reminder to pour love to the current version of yourself

I am writing this on a Saturday afternoon. The weather is pleasant. The winters are almost over, and the summer hasn’t arrived here yet. The spring flowers starting to blossom. I could hear the birds chirping outside. My grand maa (daadi) is sleeping next to me on the sofa. Just before sleeping, she reminded me to make tea for my uncle(chacha) when he is up. I said, don’t worry I will make it.

Photo by Romina Mosquera on Unsplash

I have always felt that there is something very loud about the quiet afternoons. Like each thing in the house speaks a story. These things in the house, some old, some new have seen us go through different seasons of life. They have seen us crying, laughing, dancing, eating, playing cards, caring for each other, not caring for each other and just existing. Some days existing with peace and some days existing with fears, doubts, pain and resentment.

These things have seen the visit of the people who are and who are not there in our lives now for different reasons. A part of me wants to erase the memory of few people visiting my grand maa’s house from my brain and from the brain of these things.

I have been feeling quite off center from last few weeks because of some known reasons. I could feel that there are some stuck emotions around those reasons in me which are just waiting to be released. I know, for any emotion to be released, I need to make safe space to feel it. My subconscious brain was full of fears, hence not able to release the emotions.

Few afternoons back, I read this wonderful post by

Gargi

on Substack. This one made me cry instantly. Not a light cry. With that cry, some dots got connected in my mind and everything which was waiting to be felt, got released in those tears.

That cry made me realized that I have been living from the belief that I will not be able to achieve anything or fulfil any of my dreams, not even the tiniest ones. For example, I wanted to visit the old library I used to visit in my college days. Because of the belief I am operating from, I believed, I can’t do it for some reason. Hence, I didn’t take any actions to make it happen.

In all these days, I have been missing the version of me who believed that she could achieve everything she wants out of her life. She is capable of creating the life of her dreams. I was looking at the old photos of me where my smile was saying so. I wanted that smile, that confidence and that grace back so badly. May be, if I wear the same dress, same perfume, do the hairs in the same way, go to the same place, I could get her back.

What about who you are now? You just wanna deny and leave this version of yourself. The version who is going through stuff and fighting hard to come on the other side. Don’t you wanna offer love and support to this version of yourself now?

You know that smile you are talking about and craving for, it took you sometime to reach there. That version also had the portion of struggles and hardships, even bigger than what you are going through now. How did you cross all of that? You crossed all of that by not leaving your hand, understanding your needs and offering yourself whatever you needed, asking for help and doing things which makes your inner child happy.

A gentle reminder to offer love, warmth and gentleness to the current version of yourself. I know, you like the previous version of yourself and you wanna become the best version of yourself in future. But now you have got this you, and this you is worthy of all the love and beautiful things in the world. I love you and I promise to love all the versions of you.

Thanks for reading this. I hope you are doing well.

Lots of love and healing,

Harneek!!

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This week’s recommendations:

• Your Body Remembers What Your Mind Has Forgotten by

  Tracey Stevens
  on body keeping the score

• Small Rituals to Make Everyday Life Feel More Magical by

  Hannah Wilkinson
  on finding your small daily rituals to make your life magical

• Love Letters to the Girls Who Are Too Hard on Themselves by

  leidi
  . This one felt like a love letter to my inner child