Learning to trust myself

Reconnecting with my intuition and inner wisdom

Having trust on someone is a beautiful feeling to have. I have always trusted the world more than I have trusted myself. I have always found it easier for others to make decision for me than for myself to take a decision. I know most of my friends or closed family will have hard time believing this about me. As I have always portrayed myself as strong and resilience in front of the world. I usually go numb and feel burden on my shoulder when I have to make a decision. After making a decision, I feel lighter in some ways but I will always be in fear of something not working out.

Few months back, I decided to switch my therapist. Most of my therapist has been women so this time I wanted to see a male therapist. This guy labelled himself as “cheeky therapist” in first ten minutes of our appointment. I would struggle to trust a cheeky therapist. He told me things like healing is very hard and when you actually want to kill me, then that means you are healing. I am not sure that I wanna have this kind of feeling for my therapist. After letting me speak about my life and my struggles, he told me it will take good 8-9 months of therapy. He gave me the answer straight away which I was asking few of my previous therapists and they said, you can’t put a timeline on healing. I complained about one of my colleagues giving opinions about my life and what I should be doing with it. According to this cheeky therapist, I should consider listening to my colleague or others as if I don’t listen to people’s advice how would I learn things I don’t know about. I was shaken by that therapy session so much that I slept by 8 pm (usual time 10 pm) that night. I don’t know what exactly shook me up. May be, his words made me believe that I am not normal, and I have to take his therapy sessions (which I was kind of scared of) for months to become normal. There were so many red flags in the cheeky therapist, but I was somewhere considering him for my next appointment. That part of me who doesn’t trust herself, her intuition and her inner wisdom wanted to listen to the cheeky therapist again. Until a part of me who wants to trust herself, opened the laptop and emailed him to cancel the next appointment without writing any reason.

When you trust others more than you trust yourself, you are making your inner child believe that they can’t trust you. How does it feel to be a person whom you can’t trust? It doesn’t feel good, right. In this way, I am the one who is making myself feel bad about myself. Because of this trust issue I have with myself, I cling to people, situation or workplace with multiple red flags. I keep on denying what I am feeling and waiting things to get better. Sometimes things get better with time, sometimes they don’t. You have to see the things as they are, not by their potential you have in mind or by what other people feel about it.

I am learning to connect with my intuition and practice trusting the inner voice I hear when I am calm. Whatever energy I feel when I meet someone new, I am practicing trusting it. If I don’t feel good about something, I do take actions to provide myself what I need without questioning my feelings. I am practicing not seeking validation from outside for my feelings. Sometimes people can give it you and sometimes they can’t, based on their current emotional state. It is hard and awkward to live like this some days, but I wanna be the person I can trust. I wanna be the person I can bet on. I wanna be the person I feel safe with. So here I am, taking small steps each day to build the trust in myself.

Lots of love and healing,

Harneek!