Fear and Courage
Learning to float in my lows
I have been not feeling the lighter and happier version of myself from last few days. I don’t know exactly what it is, it could be change in the weather or the luteal phase of my menstruation cycle. It has also rained yesterday; the Sun and the Moon are out of sight. Looks like they are on a break too. When I feel this way, I usually end up looking at social media platforms more than reading or writing. Hoping to find something which will make me feel better. But the only thing that helps is acknowledgement and acceptance of what I am feeling and trusting that it will pass. Forcing it to pass makes it worse. Spiritually, I feel there is usually a wisdom from your soul reaching out to you in this phase.
So lately I have been learning to take this time as it is. Doing whatever I can do to make this time count and listen. Giving my body what it is asking for. Teas. Naps. Slow Walks in Nature. Silence. Meditation. Eating nourishing food. Prayers. Listening to my mum and dad. Skin Care. Hair Care. Trying to minimize digital content intake. Writing poems. Reading my old poems. Looking at my childhood albums. Observing dogs and kids around. Self-introspection. Observing myself lovingly.
In those observations, I have been noticing what happens inside me in certain situations. In any human relationship, I found that looking at my own mistakes comes easy to me. I create stories in my mind about people’s emotional and mental state to justify their actions or words. I get so uncomfortable with the space that I am ready to take it all on me. I am generally very forgiving when it comes to others. When it comes to my own mistakes, I keep on re-playing it in my mind to kind of punish myself. It usually takes longer for me to get over my own mistakes. Why do I struggle to give grace to myself which I give freely to others? What do I fear in the space? Why do I feel the need to justify people’s actions before they even realizing anything and taking accountability?
May be, I have always been scared of losing people. People leaving me. People disconnecting from me. A lot of people have done that to me already. Left me when I needed them the most. Disconnected from me when I had no one. By God’s grace, I stood back by myself and moved forward. I have lost myself in the process of making people stay and they still left. Losing people is alright but losing yourself in the process of keeping those people can be disastrous. I hope you always have the courage to choose yourself again and again. Also, people leaving reflects more of their choices and preferences in life, and less about you. Although I know it feels very personal in the beginning but trust me it will get better.
The fear of losing people came on surface recently again. May be, because now I have less people in my circle, and I am kind of more scared to lose them. But I know, you can’t control people. You can’t force them to stay. You can’t make them to understand your worth. Give them freedom to choose what is best for them and be courageous to choose what is best for you, what is aligned for your soul. If they choose to stay, love them whole-heartedly. If they leave, let them go with grace. You deserve people in your life who are little scared to lose you too. So, whenever this fear of losing people arises again, remind yourself the right people will always find a reason to stay and the wrong people will always find a reason to leave. I hope you meet people who are in alignment with who you are and they stay.
Lots of love and healing to you,
Harneek!