Disconnection, Regret and a Promise to Myself to Continue Writing

From last weeks, I have been feeling a disconnection between me and my writing. My mind is finding different excuses to convince me not to even sit down to write. The different excuses my mind has been making are you are so busy you can skip this week, there is nothing cool happening in your life to write about, there is too much happening and the numbers on my Substack.

To be honest, consciously I don’t wanna stop writing because there are just few people reading my newsletters but subconsciously, I do count it as an excuse for not to write on some days.

My writing is a way for me to honor myself and my emotions. Through my writing, I make sense of my big feelings. Not writing means not honoring myself, betraying myself and staying true to the world. My writing is my safe and sacred place. So here I am.

This week has been a heavy week for few reasons. One of the reasons is it’s been two years since my grand mum(naani) has passed away. If you ask me what’s the one regret I have in life till now, I will say not spending enough time with my grandparents from my mum’s side.

Photo by peter bucks on Unsplash

I had this realization when she was alive. May be, that’s the reason the universe gave me the last few days with her when she was hospitalized before leaving us all. One night before, it was just me and her in the ward. I did my evening prayer with her. Because she was not able to speak by that time due to her medical condition, she just listened to me reciting it and maybe she did it with me without speaking a word.

It was bit late at night, and I was expecting one of my aunties to come to hospital so that I can go home. My grand mum was not at all happy with me staying in the hospital that late. She with her facial expressions expressed her unhappiness and with some hand gestures, told me to go home as it’s late. I held her hand and told her, I will leave after the aunty arrives.

I went home happily that night as the doctor said that her reports are getting better and hopefully we will be able to discharge her from the hospital tomorrow.

The next day, me and my mum were in hospital again in the morning with some food and other stuff required for my grand mum for the day. She was sleeping when we arrived in the hospital, so I didn’t get her usual morning smile which I was getting from last few days when I used to come to her in the hospital.

That day was a blurry day. At lunch time, we saw an old man dying and the family crying in the hospital. Although, my grand mum was showing very less movement and facial expressions that day, I just wanted to believe what the doctor told me yesterday about her latest reports. I was agitated with everything and everyone that day like my soul knew what was coming.

I could feel the panic in the room around 6:45 pm. I ran quickly to the toilet, leaving my mum in the room. As I come back, the nurse and the assistant doctors were running around and trying different things. Then the doctor came and checked my grand mum. He left silently from the room and asked me to come with him for a second.

He said, I am sorry, but she is no more.

As a child or even as an adult, I have seen few deaths in my family, but this one hit me like something else. As it was my beloved grand mum and for the first time in life, I was the first person hearing the news of death. My mind doesn’t know what I should be doing with this news.

The first feeling was betrayal as soon as I heard the news. I shouted on the doctor as he said completely different yesterday and then I started pleading if he can do something, if we can try a different hospital or anything. After hearing his answers, my tears couldn’t stop. Thankfully, some other family members arrived in few minutes and took care of everything from there.

My grandmum got discharged from the hospital that day but for different reasons.

I hope you all are doing well and don’t forget to be kind to yourselves when life feels like a lot.

Lots of love and healing,

Harneek!!

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This week’s recommendations are some of my favourite writers which I first catch up on after a break:

• Katie Mack

• Nida Elley

• Shreya