Different flavors of Freedom

What did you do when freedom knocked on your door?

I woke up and I didn’t rush to my usuals. Didn’t rush to make my morning drink. Didn’t rush to open my yoga mat. Didn’t rush to ask some questions to myself about something that happened this week. I opened my diary and stared at the blank page for some time.

Let my thoughts spiral in my mind and wait for words to come out of my pen. Another week went by quickly. Mostly trying to get the work done, playing the role of a colleague, a friend, a daughter, a sister, making choices to eat intentionally, going for a walk/yoga when I can, wearing my favorite winter hoodie (I love winters) and letting few things or people slip from the list.

I am not a big fan of getting another question as a response to a question. It feels like I already have enough questions to solve, please don’t ask me any other question. Sometimes I get annoyed by simple questions like from my mother when she asks me what I wanna eat tonight. It’s not that any of the questions been asked are irrelevant, it’s just I already have too much on my mind.

One of the women I met this week, asked me a question when I told her about one of the questions I had in my mind about life. The question she asked was “how important freedom is to me”?

A part of me was annoyed, another question, please. In the moment I said yes, freedom is very important to me. My original question and my answer to her question, doesn’t directly link together but her question did add a bit of perspective. Sometimes, I feel why life is not like mathematics where there is a single correct answer to a question.

Freedom, what does freedom means to me and why is it important now?

Photo by Deleece Cook on Unsplash

I remember, during my first job in a different city than where my parents use to live, I went on a trip with few of my friends. That was my first overnight trip ever in life. Almost a decade ago. I could say, the feeling at that night in that bus travel sitting next to a boy, talking almost the whole night, was the first taste of freedom for me.

In that whole trip, feelings of guilt and what I am doing here is not completely correct were mingled with freedom. Although I was not doing anything wrong (I mean, what is wrong or right, anyways). Then a lot of life experiences like earning my money, spending my money, living in different cities, going out with friends at night, going on trips, choosing what I wanna wear, choosing what I wanna do on a weekend etc. happened which felt like freedom. But there was always a slight underlying feeling of what I am doing is not completely right when I did something which is not a norm for a woman. Also, there were always people around me who had an influence on me to derive my definition of freedom.

There was also a part where doing things which women around me while growing up didn’t do felt like freedom. Like not doing cooking, not interested in any house chore and just keeping myself busy in my books. I laughed while writing this as cooking now feels so therapeutic to me.

In the last few years, my life has hit a reset button in all major ways and freedom knocked on my door again in a different form. This time freedom came with loneliness, sadness, grief and feelings of heart break.

In the beginning, I didn’t know what to do with that level of freedom. The afternoons were long and limpid, with no start or end. For the very first time, my mind was free from its sole purpose to guess what’s in their in other people’s mind. I had no idea on what to do with all this time and space. I had no idea with what do with own mind.

For myself, it was clear that I couldn’t have experienced this true freedom with people around me. Because from very early age, I took the exhausting chore of finding out what’s in other people’s mind to keep myself safe, may be, to become what they think I should be, to do what they think I should be doing and only breathe as much as they think I should be breathing and keep on apologizing when I failed in my chore. After completing all these tasks, may be, I will get the love I crave for.

So, when true freedom arrived, after hating it for weeks, I took a bath in it. I slow down. I danced. I cooked. I prayed. I sat in the sun with my wet long hairs. I cried. I laughed. I fall in love with myself. I did poetry. I read poetry. I started my Substack. I bought flowers. I grew my string of hearts. I did my warrior pose in front of the mirror. I had watermelon for lunch.

Now when I know the taste of true freedom, my task is to feel free even when I am around people. It’s not the people who put you in cage, it’s you yourself. It takes a lot of practice and courage for me to be myself completely and not think of betraying myself to become a person they want me to be as for decades that was my pattern. Still, I slip on some days actually. I slipped whole last week as I was really enjoying talking to someone (story for another time). That’s just part of the journey. Giving myself grace and laughing on myself helps me on those days.

If you ask me, where do I feel the freest version of myself, I will say here while I am writing and then on my yoga mat.

Would love to hear about your favorite flavor of freedom.

Lots of love and healing,

Harneek!!

---

This week’s recommendation:

• I don't think women hate men. I think they hate that they love us so much by

  Jeremie Lotemo
  . I have always been so flexible woman in love, like always ready to sacrifice all of me for the man I have been in love with or seeking love from. If you have been there, this would give you grace.

• the need to be yearned for by

  dani d <3
  . I have been drowning in this desire of to be yearned for from last few weeks and this one hit the spot at the right time.

• Making paths by

  Kirstie McKinnon
  . Kirstie’s words and paintings feel like a warm hug on this one.