Comfort and Warmth of Familiarity

On Diwali, belongingness and being an expat

Few weeks back, it was Diwali celebration at my workplace. I was part of the Diwali celebration planning group at work. For me, it was pretty serious business, as I thought it’s a great platform in a country other than my own to make people aware of our culture, food and traditions.

Photo by Amit Srivastava on Unsplash

On the day of the event, for the first time, I went to work wearing Indian clothes. I can’t tell you how proud, confident and good I felt on the road, on the train and then in the office. As soon as I reach office, there was an urge to hug each person I meet and say “Happy Diwali”. I obviously didn’t do that to everyone.

It felt like my mind is trained to be happy and hug people more often when I wear my Indian clothes. I was full of festive and feminine energy. The event went well, Diwali decorations, dance performances, heena counter and there were speeches from people sharing their Diwali celebration back home and obviously delicious Indian food.

After the event was over, I went to my desk. I couldn’t focus on any work task I had for that day as my mind is not trained to work in the clothes I was wearing. I went for a coffee catch up with a friend later, did the bare minimum and came back home happily. On the way back home, I met an old couple walking around wearing same type of clothes as I was wearing. It felt like our clothes made us connect immediately and I greeted them “Sat Sri Akal”. “Sat Sri Akal” is a Punjabi version of “Namaste” and we say it to greet people in Sikh Culture.

To be honest, I didn’t have these strong feelings about my culture and my country when I was living in my own country. I never thought I will be so passionate about knowing or carrying things related to my culture so that I can explain it well to people who are not from my country/culture.

Few months back, I visited a small beach town and there was an old man playing a guitar in the town center. I could hear him from far but wanted to listen to him from closer so walked towards him. He asked me where I am from and after listening to my answer, he said so you are from the country where people travel and change. In the moment, I felt proud. Then he shared his story of traveling to India with me and how that trip has changed him as a person.

For me, it’s actually staying away from my own country has changed me. When I was living in my own country, I didn’t appreciate certain aspects of my country. I didn’t understand the value of feelings of belongingness and the people I can easily connect to because of the similar background. I didn’t value the ease which comes with knowing how most of the things work around. I didn’t value how easy it was to visit my favorite people staying in different cities. I didn’t value how easy it was to find a human connection and just talk.

Seeing and living in a different part of the world for few years now has broaden my perspective on everything in life. Obviously, I had my portion of struggles of belongingness and big feelings of existential crisis in the first few years. In general, it taught me that there are different ways of doing life and none of them is right or wrong. I met more free people here than I have met in my own country. I felt connected to women from different countries as our underlying struggles of being a woman in the world are quite similar.

For the first time, it gave me the chance to explore who I am and where do I want to belong than just fitting easily wherever I go. It made me realize the importance of knowing your roots and make an effort to understand it well. It gave me the chance to create a world inside me when I couldn’t find things outside which I was craving for. It gave me the opportunity to reflect and choose what works well for me from both the worlds.

Being an expat for more than five years now, somedays I feel completely torn between two worlds I have seen and known. There are parts of me who miss the familiarity and warmth of my own country. There are parts of me who likes the slow living and the better work culture here. Then there is a part of me who is so focused to create a beautiful and peaceful life of herself that the country doesn’t matter. There are parts of me who believe I don’t completely belong to my own country now, and I will be always an outsider in the country I am living now. Some days I feel the guilt of choosing to stay away from my own country. Recently, somebody asked me, where your home is? I said, India.

I hope you all are doing well. Thanks for reading my newsletter and being part of my journey of figuring out this life.

Lots of love and healing,

Harneek!

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This week’s recommendations:

• A love letter to living alone by

  Shivani Gulati
  . A beautiful testimony of someone who has lived alone will make you at ease if you are on the similar journey

• Listen to what your heart is telling you by

  Nathaniel Drew
  . A simple reminder to go inwards and have a chat when there is any kind of turbulence in your experience of life

• The tale of a tree by @Artsywhy. For some reason, I can’t tag the writer Gargi on this one so tagging her publication. The simple, soothing yet thought provoking story telling here by Gargi