A Silk Saree

My bittersweet dreams and subconscious desires

Last night, I had a weird dream. I was at an airport in a city in my country, where I have never been before. I was there to catch a flight to somewhere. May be, to a country I live now or to a different country. I could feel there is my brother I am catching the flight with, but I didn’t see him in the dream.

I was sitting at a bench on the airport, anxious and overwhelm about something. Looking at the time, and then looking around. I was waiting for someone who had something I wanna take with me. My worry was I don’t wanna board the flight without that thing.

Photo by Zetong Li on Unsplash

I called that person and said I really want to take the “silk saree” with me. The boarding will start in 10 minutes and the flight will take off in half an hour. That person laughed listening to me and said we are having a coffee near to your gate. Will be there soon, don’t worry.

Their laugh made me believe that they don’t understand my emotions towards the “silk saree” and I should walk towards them to get my “silk saree” otherwise I will miss my flight or have to board the flight without my saree. I got up and started walking away from my gate. Walking on the airport for five minutes, I saw an exit. A part of me knew this is the wrong exit but I still took it, not sure why. From there, I reached a crowded bazaar, full of people and people were selling everything you can think of from fruits, veggies, clothes, decoration stuff and what not.

I asked someone, where is the international airport. They said it’s far from here, almost 8 kms from where we are now. I wondered, how did I come that far. They asked me what time my flight is, I said in 10 minutes. They said you can’t catch the flight even if you book a cab now. I hated that person for saying that, as catching the flight was important to me.

Then I saw myself kind of struggling in the bazaar, with the crowd of people, rushing here and there. Everyone was in a hurry to go somewhere as me, and the sellers were screaming the prices of the stuff they were selling, and the buyers were negotiating. I was feeling overwhelmed with the noises and the crowd. I was blaming myself for taking that exit, and was thinking now my flight is gone, I lost the money of the flight too, what should I do now. Should I call the agent to look for the next flight? Should I wait till I reach back to airport?

I looked at my phone to look the status of the flight and it was showing me invalid flight number. The exact flight number which was on my boarding pass was coming as invalid. This all feels unreal to me, like a dream.

With all those feelings inside me, I somehow reached back to airport. I walked quickly towards my gate and saw that person who had my “silk saree”. They were group of three people, I greeted them and hugged them. Opened by cabin suitcase and put my saree in it. Asked the airlines staff about the flight and they said they don’t have any update about the flight status. They are waiting to hear back. I was so relieved that I got everything I needed and didn’t miss the flight.

I woke up bit tired this morning, with the hustling and overwhelm feelings I had in my dream. It took me some time to come to terms where I am now. It felt like a quick trip to my country. Generally, I am very curious about my dreams and try to remember, jot it down in my diary as soon as I wake up. Because I feel, my dreams are visits to my subconscious mind and I wanna know what beliefs and patterns resides in my subconscious mind.

A “silk saree” is something my heart desires from long time. I have seen beautiful silk sarees in stores in India and always thought I will buy them on some important occasion. The definition of important occasions has changed over time for me. The most important upcoming occasion I last thought about when I saw silk sarees was my dad’s retirement and my book launch party, when I will write a book and get it published.

My dad’s retirement officially happened end of July, two weeks back and I couldn’t travel back. I wrote a poem for the retirement function at his office in Hindi. I usually write in English, but with some translation help from google I could put my emotions towards his retirement in a Hindi poem. They played my poem’s audio voiceover on stage and that made my dad almost cry. I was on a video call for almost the entire event. It is hard to see your dad like that and not being there with him.

Writing a poem in Hindi made me realize how slowly I am forgetting my own language and I hated that. I promised myself to write more things in Hindi and Punjabi(my religious language). Me and mum thinks, we will host a small retirement party when I am there. I can buy a silk saree and wear then. I will also wear a silk saree on my book launch party, after I write a book and get it published.

The dream also highlighted my belief or fear of others not understanding me. I think, the world has labeled me “too much” many times having those complex big emotions. Even my parents have told me why I have to think so deep about everything in life. Before I used to get hurt, now I say that’s why I am a writer. If I don’t feel or think deep about stuff, what would I write about.

Also, this dream says something general about life. We all know sometimes know that job, relationship or something is not correct for us, we still go that path thinking that it will get better. We lose parts of ourselves, our time and energy in that wrong exit we took. But if we stay hopeful and don’t give up, we will find ways back to ourselves and what is important to us always. Even if you take all the wrong turns and exits, get lost on the way to airport, the flight which is your flight, will never be missed. It will never take off, until you are in it. The flight which flew without you, was never yours to board. Let it go and wait for your flight with all your important stuff packed in your cabin luggage. I hope you are doing well and thanks for being here.

Lots of love and healing to you,

Harneek!!

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This week’s recommendations:

• Being crushed by your own thoughts? by

  Ava.May
  on navigating your own thoughts gently and how thoughts can impact how we feel physically in our bodies

• Awakening the Spiritual Warrior Within by

  Mo Issa
  . A beautiful one guiding you through your spiritual journey

• Restraint, Persistence and Perspective by

  Harun Kewa
  on being present and keep going when things feel scary and uncertain